A Relationship With a Non-Team Player and How to Handle It
Here are two stories to show how it feels when partners don’t side with one another and what to do about it to discover its root cause. The like-mindedness couples have with being team players creates a strong bond in a relationship.
Partners Need to Be Team Players
Partners in a relationship should always watch out for one another. That makes them team players. It creates a feeling of cohesion and camaraderie. In addition, the like-mindedness couples have with being team players creates a strong bond in a relationship.
The following two stories will show how it feels when you’re with someone who lacks these skills and is never on your side.
More importantly, I’ll conclude with my thoughts on what to do about it to discover the root cause of their attitude. Knowing this could help save a relationship, especially when other aspects of it are impeccable.
A Lack of Team Spirit Can Destroy the Best Relationships
This relationship began with romantic synchronicity because we both had seen each other’s personal ads in a newspaper dating column and replied to one another on the same day. That was synchronicity!
When I received her letter in the mail, I noticed she was the one I had written to as well. In addition, the postmark was even on the same day I had sent my response to her.
Later, when we met, I learned she had noticed the same thing. That synchronicity created a romantic feeling as the relationship began to bloom.
In a short time, we learned we had a lot in common. You might think this relationship would work well because we had a shared understanding of resolving problematic occurrences. We were both problem solvers in our respective businesses.
However, I soon discovered she never stood up for me in times of trouble. She would instead favor the other side when I had a dispute with someone.
I’ll give you a couple of examples to help you recognize the emotional feelings that result from a partner who is not a team player.
The Behavior of Not Being On Your Side
My girlfriend visited me at my office one day when I was getting ready to leave, and we went to my car to drive home.
That morning when I arrived at work, I had parked on the street between two driveways.
The houses in that neighborhood were built lengthy from the front to the back but narrowly from side to side. So their driveways were so close together that the width from one driveway to the next was hardly enough for the length of a car.
After I parked the car, I noticed I was blocking one driveway a little too much. So I got back in and moved my car just enough so I was evenly spaced between both driveways. Wasn’t that nice of me? Courteous fellow! Wouldn’t you say?
When my girlfriend and I got into my car, a woman poked her head out the front door of the house and yelled, “You blocked my husband from getting out this morning!”
I rolled down my window and told her that I had noticed that. And I explained how I moved the car to be equal between her driveway and her neighbor’s driveway.
She seemed to have experienced that before because she graciously accepted my explanation, said, “Oh, okay,” and went back into her house.
You’re probably wondering what my girlfriend has to do with all this. Well, what happened next was irritating and disappointing.
As I drove down the street, she suddenly yelled angrily, “You could have been kinder to that woman!”
In my defense, I pointed out all the cars parked along that street, most of which overlapped a driveway on one side or the other at each house.
I tried to explain the people in that neighborhood must be used to that problem. I even showed her the tire marks on the grass next to many driveways as we drove down the street. That was proof of how people had to drive over the lawn due to the obstruction of a parked car.
Nevertheless, we got into an argument about that. She didn’t accept my explanation and continued to yell at me for my lack of compassion toward that woman.
How Does That Make You Feel?
Have you ever had a partner who seemed to be against you all the time, never being on your side? And not a team player?
In all fairness, anything can be written off with excuses based on other circumstances. Maybe she had a bad day and was taking it out on me. There are always exceptions that we need to consider.
However, I was experiencing this behavior repeatedly with her. It was a pattern that she was never a team player in our relationship. That lack of team spirit was very disheartening.
A Minor Car Accident on a Vacation Road Trip
We were going away for vacation to New Hampshire and shared driving my car for that long 700-mile trip.
She was driving when we arrived at our destination. Unfortunately, she needed to make a U-turn at one point and backed into a parked car.
I immediately thought to myself what she probably needed at that moment was assurance that I was not angry. So I hugged her to calm her down and said it was okay.
That was really kind of me, wouldn’t you think? But wait, it gets interesting.
We left a note under the wiper with our contact information. The owner of the car called the next day, and we met to discuss it with her.
She was a middle-aged lady. The damage was nothing more than a small dent. I told her to get a written estimate for the damages, and we would send her a check for whatever it costs.
The lady had another idea. She said she wanted me to pay her $300 now and to give her my insurance information so she could collect the rest from my insurance company.
You Can’t Have It Both Ways!
I tried to explain that we were willing to pay for the actual damages when she sends me the bill, but if she deals with my insurance company she may only get what they say the cost should be.
The lady didn’t accept that and insisted that she wanted BOTH my insurance information and a check for $300.
Well, first of all, I was concerned about my insurance rate going up for something my girlfriend did. I was not the one who caused the accident, so I wanted to settle without the insurance.
And second, I was willing to pay for the repair in full, and I felt the lady’s request was unreasonable.
So I said to her as kindly as I could:
“You have a choice of three options. I’ll let you decide which one you want. You can get an estimate, and I’ll mail you a check for that amount. On the other hand, if you don’t want to wait, I’ll give you a check for $300 right now as a final agreement. Or I’ll be glad to give you my insurance information, but then you are dealing with my insurance company, and I will not be responsible for whatever settlement you get.”
The woman didn’t like that at all and continued to insist that I give her a $300 check in addition to my insurance information.
Needing the Police to Get Involved
We ended up having to call the police to intervene, and the cop saved the day by getting her to understand the options I presented were extremely reasonable.
He even told her I was being very considerate, giving her three options to choose from as a settlement. And with that, she accepted the second option.
So I wrote her a check for $300, and we all went on our way.
What Happened to Team Spirit?
If you thought that solved the problem, it did. But the entire incident turned my girlfriend against me.
When we got to the hotel, my girlfriend suddenly said:
“I have a boyfriend who verbally abuses the woman I hit! You should have let that lady have it both ways!”
I was stunned!
She focused on the wrong thing! She didn’t care that I was trying to be kind to the lady. She didn’t appreciate that I was willing to pay for the damages she caused.
She wasn’t even grateful that I hugged her when I knew she must be upset about having an accident with my car. Another guy might have screamed, “What’s the matter with you?”
I don’t react that way. I learned a long time ago to always take a moment to think before reacting to an extreme situation. It pays off so well. It gives you a chance to consider the situation before letting your own feelings spoil it.
I knew I was just as much responsible because I let her drive my car. And I also realized that she must have felt terrible — which is why I knew to give her a hug.
The Result of Ignoring the Team Spirit of a Relationship
Well, that experience made it clear to me that I had a girlfriend who was not functioning as my partner, as much as I made an effort to be a team player myself in the relationship.
We talked about it on the way home. But she was not on my side and did not care to see my point of view. Her lack of sensitivity was very disappointing. I realized her way of thinking always went against her partner. That behavior was not acceptable, especially since it happened repeatedly.
That attitude was a deal-breaker for the relationship, and I broke up with her immediately after that trip.
What to Do About It
When you have repeated experiences where your partner is not on your side, it’s crucial to discuss it and try to come to a mutual understanding.
You do that by explaining how it makes you feel. And it’s important to ask if they felt you ever treated them that way too. You might learn they may be responding to your behavior.
While discussing it, pay attention to body language. People often hold back when they feel intimidated or don’t want to answer questions for personal reasons. But various facial expressions or how they cross their arms can be tell-tale signs of a more meaningful expression.
That’s why a face-to-face discussion is helpful. Never have these talks over the phone, and definitely not by text or email. Hopefully, you’ll learn something about one another that is causing the failure to appreciate each other in a way that enforces team spirit.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2023 Glenn Stok
