Have You Experienced Betrayal? Can You Forgive?

Betrayal Hurts

Betrayal, aggression, and just plain insensitivity can be very difficult and painful. Many people have been hurt by a relative or a friend. Some have been bad-mouthed by a co-worker or slighted by a mother-in-law. My daughter-in-law tells me she is grateful for me as she knows many women who have been slighted by their mother-in-law. I was betrayed by my first husband, and it was painful. We need to let go of our expectations of others.

I have read several articles by people who have been hurt by their parents, friends or another toxic family member. Why do we even bother to forgive? Even if the betrayer apologizes, how do we know they won’t do it again? Forgiveness will be improved self-esteem.

Biblical Story: Joseph Forgave His Brothers

Joseph (Genesis 37) had dreams that made his brothers jealous. They planned to kill him, but they sold him into slavery in Egypt. Genesis 39:2 states, “The Lord was with Joseph so that he prospered”. Then, Joseph was put into jail, but he was able to interpret dreams.

Joseph interpreted Pharaoh’s dream. Joseph knew there would be seven prosperous years, then seven years of famine. When his brothers came to Egypt for food Joseph forgave them (Genesis 42-43).

I don’t think I would have forgiven them very easily. Before I was saved I was constantly trying to fill a void inside me, but now God fills the void.

There are two sides to forgiveness. There is the decision to forgive and the emotional aspect. You actually make a conscious choice to replace your anger with goodwill. You forgive others for your peace, but not the other person.

Steps to Forgiveness

First, recall the wrongdoing in an objective light as you need a clear understanding of the wrongdoing. Recall the person and the situation along with your feelings, even if it makes you feel angry.

Don’t downplay the incident but try to understand the other person’s point of view. Maybe the wrongdoing was not personal but due to something else, the person was dealing with.

Try to recall a time when you treated someone unfairly. How did that make you feel? Next, commit to forgiving this person. Writing about it in a private journal may help.

Finally, hold on to forgiveness. This does not mean you forget, but you can view the incident without all the negative emotions. It is your choice to forgive and let go of anger.

Let the incident stay in the past. That doesn’t mean you forget, but it can mean the pain is gone. The act of forgiving can also include forgiving yourself. If you are married and your spouse had an affair, it should not be a reflection of your self-worth.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

— Ephesians 4:32

Another Method of Forgiveness

Try the REACH method of forgiveness. REACH stands for Recall, Emphasize, Altruistic Gift, Commit and Hold. This is a similar method to the one listed above.

• Recall the wrongdoing in an objective way, and the goal is to not think of the person negatively but to come to an understanding of the wrong and the associated feelings that come with it.
• Empathize by trying to understand the other person’s viewpoint regarding why they hurt you, but not downplaying the wrong as sometimes it may not have been personal. The person may have been in a state of fear, hurt or worry.
• Altruistic gift should address your own shortcomings by recalling a time you may have hurt someone. How did it feel?
• Commit to forgiveness by writing in a private journal or a letter. You can also tell a friend.
• Hold onto your forgiveness. This step is difficult, as you won’t forget the incident; however, you are forgiving so you can feel free of the pain.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

— Luke 6:37

Benefits of Forgiveness

Did you know forgiveness is physically good for your heart? Forgiveness means less stress on our bodies, lower risk of a heart attack, lower blood pressure, improved sleep, lower level of pain, and better mental health. You may have a lower cholesterol level and a stronger immune system. Moving away from negative emotions can mean reducing substance abuse.

You may choose to keep a journal, use meditation and use prayer, as all of these methods are helpful.

There have been numerous studies on the benefits of forgiveness. Forgiveness is associated with:

• Less anxiety and hostility
• Lower levels of depression and stress
• Higher self-esteem
• Increased satisfaction with life

Final Thoughts

Finally, be happy! You will be healthier and certainly much happier if you can forgive. Use a journal and one of the methods listed above to work through your pain. You can be free of the anger, which often keeps us stuck in a bad place.

Love yourself because you deserve to live a happy life, without resentments that weigh you down.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2023 Pamela Oglesby